I honestly can't write politics.

The writer F. J. Burnley-Hampton had this to say about democracy:

“People are arseholes.”

While my views are not as radical as Burnley-Hampton’s I believe that his words will resonate with most arseholes. 

From a purely theoretical perspective I approve of democracy. I think it’s a good thing that everybody gets to have a punt on influencing the circumstances that directly affect their very existence.

But I’d give it up in an instant if I could find a really cool dictator. I don’t have anyone in mind specifically but they’d have the following qualities: 

1. The dictator should be really good at politics (it’s really hard convincing people that tyrrany is in their interests).

1. And the dictator should not feel the need to pretend they like the same shit as ‘the hard-working people of Britain’. The hard-working people of Britain won't be offended.

1. Kissing babies is not necessary.* The gesture does not offer the baby any assurance that the economy is in safe hands. Babies don’t have time for politics. Tyrants don’t have time for babies.

1. The dictator must have an understated sartorial style that generates column inches in the best Sunday glossies.

1. The dictator must not kowtow to corporate interests, unless in doing so they are helping a great number of people (ideally, nice people). If businesses misbehave, the dictator has the right to confiscate their assets and only give them back at the end of the day.

1. The dictator should be a good all-rounder who respects the fact we’re canoeing into a sixth extinction and perhaps try to do something about that, yeah?

1. The dictator should counsel with the brightest minds and consult the populace as necessary. Perhaps he or she should establish a democracy in order to keep his or her power in check?

1. The dictator would basically do everything I want and not need me to articulate what that is exactly. They would need a kind of telepathy, ideally the kind of telepathy that I’m not aware of (it’s really off-putting in social situations when someone’s reading your mind: staring into your eyes and holding two fingers to their temple as they do).

I think I must retract my comment about my wanting a really cool dictator. Basically because I have no idea how that would work.

What I really need is lots of really cool people who can act as dictator-in-aggregate and help me with all this thinking. Even if they are arseholes.

*admittedly this is a campaign practice and would be a redundant exercise for a dictator.